Thursday 15 January 2009

Eyes of the Centaur




I wasn’t originally going to write publicly about this subject. It concerns some very painful memories over which I’m very sensitive. However after reading Ellis’ new book Dogged Days (which I review here http://hpanwo.blogspot.com/2009/01/dogged-days-by-ellis-taylor.html) I found the matter I discuss below rearing its head with even more significance than before and the time has come to address it, to express it and to open it to “peer review” by HPANWO readers. In my review of Ellis’s book I refer to an incident which happened to me as a child in Green College. "Dogged Days had an effect on me that no other book has in that it triggered a forgotten, and possibly suppressed, memory of something very significant that happened to me at Green College, Oxford when I was 10 years old.” What that incident was occurred in about 1981 or 1982 when I was around 10 years old. Now that the memory of it has returned it’s reasonably vivid. I was at a wedding reception in the college hall and a friend of mine tried to commit suicide.

Green Templeton College is famous for its tower which used to be an 18th Century observatory. It is some 130 feet high and 30 to 40 feet across. Today it contains a viewing gallery accessed by a spiral staircase that runs around the walls. It has a hexagonal plan and is based on the Tower of the Winds in Athens. Here’s the college’s official site: http://www.ox.ac.uk/admissions/postgraduate_courses/college_guide/green_templeton.html . The dinner was over, the cake had been cut and the adults congressed round the bar while we kids ran about the place playing. We climbed up the stairs to the top of the tower and that’s when it happened. The boy involved had been acting perfectly normally up to that point. He was somebody I knew quite well and played with a lot. We were at the top of the stairs by the gallery when he suddenly went silent, stopped what he was doing, walked over to the banisters at the top of the staircase and climbed onto them. He threw one leg over as if he was about to jump off; as I said the tower is about 130 feet high! If someone did that today I would grab him and try to stop him, but I was too young to understand what was happening. Then someone, I think it was my dad, spotted what he was doing and shouted at him from the ground floor "GET OFF THERE!" or words to that effect. My friend seemed to snap out of it and climbed back down onto the gallery floor. When I asked him why he'd done that he got very irritable and said "Fuckin' shut up!" and wouldn't talk about it. I’d totally forgotten about the whole affair until Ellis’ book dug up the memory. Ellis says at the start of the book that Green College is “reputed to be an entrance to the Underworld”. This in itself is very significant in relation to the event which took place that day; what in my view is even more significant is the wedding that was being celebrated, especially the groom.

I can’t remember how Centaur (not his real name) came into the life of my family. But I remember him from a very young age. He seemed to be forever at our house. He always used to walk in without knocking or ringing the doorbell, the only person outside the family who’s ever done that. He had thick light-brown hair and always wore a bush-green woolen jumper. He was a keen musician and played the piano and recorder with my mum and dad. He was there all the time, every evening of every day, all day at weekends. He really had his feet under the table! He eventually got married and his was the wedding we went to at Green College. After that I thankfully saw less of him, but he was still on the scene. He and his new wife moved into a house just a few hundred yards away from ours. You see Centaur was abusing me. I can’t remember a lot of the time we were alone together, but I do recall feeling terrified like I’ve never felt before or since. I don’t know how serious the abuse was, but I remember him hitting me around the face, shouting and swearing at me. There was one incident where he did this in front of my parents and some of their friends. My parents just stood there like sheep and did nothing to stop him. Afterwards when we were alone they came to me and told me that Centaur regretted doing it, but I had been misbehaving and needed to be controlled. Yes, I had been misbehaving, but the way they used this to mitigate and almost justify Centaur’s actions baffles and disgusts me to this day. If anyone did to my own daughter what Centaur did to me… it would be the last thing they ever did, and I wouldn't give a damn if she’d spat on his head. It took me most of the next two decades to forgive my mum and dad for that. But forgive them I did; you see Centaur had some kind of psychological hold over them both. As far as they were concerned, he was God. What I saw as my parents’ weakness, their cognitive dissonance, their denial, was in fact something far worse. Centaur had them under a hypnotic spell! It reminds me very much of Stewart Swerdlow’s description of when he was being controlled by “Rosie 2” in his book Blue Blood, True Blood. My mum and dad were his puppets. I found out many years later that my dad had had a fling with Centaur’s girlfriend, the one he was with before his wife, but that cannot explain their devotion and obedience to him. Today I feel no anger for my parents, only pity. I see them in the same way I see Swerdlow. I just feel anger for Centaur. A few years ago I confided in a close friend about all this and he said: “Ben, do you want to sort him out? If you do I’ll help you. We’ll drive to where he lives and give him some of what he gave you.” I’m pleased to say I resisted the temptation. If I took revenge on Centaur I’d end up in jail, away from my own child, maybe for many years. I’d be cutting off my nose to spite my face. Also by taking revenge on him I’d be giving him the message that he still had power over me, the power to make me hate him and to act on that hate. It would be very empowering for him indeed. The greatest insult I can give to him is to not take revenge and to get on with my life irrespective of him. Making him irrelevant in my thoughts and in my life is a far worse kick in the teeth than a literal one would be!... Centaur? Centaur who?

I never saw Centaur for years until my mum’s funeral in December 2006. He turned up with his wife and kids, but he’s no longer a danger to me now; he’s in his mid 50’s and I’m bigger than he is now! What’s more even if I wasn’t, I’ve got dignity and nothing can take that from me. I never spoke to him or even looked at him. However I caught a brief glimpse of him at my mum’s graveside. As soon as the burial was over, of all the people who were there, my dad went straight over to Centaur and started talking to him sycophantically. My dad still takes on a strange ecstatic look in his eyes whenever he talks about Centaur or someone mentions his name. It seems Centaur’s power over my parents is still there. Nevertheless I’m glad to say that he now lives a long way away and I don’t think he has been to my dad’s house since the funeral. I still worry about my dad though and would be very concerned in Centaur ever tried to worm his way back into my dad’s life.

The one thing which I’ve never forgotten about Centaur was his eyes. There’s a saying that the eyes are the window of the soul. Well Centaur’s eyes were windows to nothing. They were electric blue and were blank, dead, like a corpse’s eyes or even a doll’s; no depth, no life, no consciousness. They looked like they were painted onto his face. It still makes me shudder when I think of it. When he smiled he looked like a robot smiling. He was a very charming and intelligent man, well-spoken. He was educated, a teacher of mathematics and music and my parents arranged for him to tutor me and my brother privately; one more foothold he had in our family’s life. He was also a computer expert and helped me set up my first PC, an old Sinclair ZX Spectrum. These so called “helping hands” he gave us were just one more exercise in his power over our family. He was popular and had a wide circle of friends; he was the centre of attention at every party. But he was emotionally very calm and even cold; nothing seemed to ruffle him. But, as I found out only too well, all that charm and sophistication hid a domineering, deeply violent and sadistic heart. This once again caught on my mind as I read Ellis’ book. In Chapter 4 of Dogged Days Ellis describes a visit to the Castle Hotel in Tintagel, Cornwall. The place has a peculiar atmosphere and Ellis’ meets a rather strange art-dealer. But the most interesting part is his description of the hotel staff. One of them has a “shadow-eyed but smiling mouth visage”. There was also a waitress in the cafeteria who is said to be “dead-eyed”. This really rings a bell with my own observations of Centaur.

Several different researchers have been talking and writing recently about people who are “not people”. Paola Harris and others speak of humanoid extraterrestrials, beings from other worlds who live among us without us knowing, but Paola’s description is of beings very like us in terms of thoughts, feelings and spirit. These aliens she talks about may be real and live among us, but I strongly suspect that the “not-people” are a different phenomenon altogether. Different researchers give them different names. David Icke uses the term “red dress” in reference to the woman in the red dress, a computer simulation of a human from The Matrix. Amitakh Stanford calls them “organic portals”; Ted Twietmeyer calls them “black-eyed beings”. They are all describing the same thing in my view. The central theme of these not-people (the term I shall use, for want of a better one) is that they are human in physical form, but do not have what is commonly referred to as “human consciousness”. And this leads to the question of what that means anyway. People like Richard Dawkins and others are constantly referring to human consciousness as a singular object, as if it is unique, ubiquitous and indistinguishable in all human beings. Maybe not all humans have the same kind of consciousness and that the term itself covers a multitude of different states of mind. The consciousness of the not-people is described in various ways, but the phrase “they have no soul” is a recurring one. Well, I don’t pretend to know what a “soul” is; nobody does. Philosophers have been debating that since Socrates and today even neuroscientists have drawn a blank. But for practical purposes the statement is still clear and simple: not-people have no feeling of “I-ness”, self-awareness or Cartesian being. What are they if they have no human soul? I don’t think any honest person can claim to know. I’m reminded of Matthew Delooze’s theory about an intelligence from a dimension beyond our own sucking energy out of this one (See links column, and: http://hpanwo.blogspot.com/2008/10/breaking-serpents-spell-matthew-delooze.html) Beings from other dimensions may be able to take physical forms in the same way beings native to this one do; this idea is explored in the film The Mist (http://hpanwo.blogspot.com/2008/11/mist.html).

The research pages into the “black-eyed kids” usually talk of feelings of great repulsion and fear in folk who encounter these beings. It could be that the not-people are the Reptilians David Icke and others talk about. I met a woman last year who claimed to have known one of these beings and has written a book about her experiences (http://www.hiddenmysteries.com/xcart/product.php?productid=17312&cat=387&bestseller=Y). I’ll have to read it. If these phenomena are all the same thing then it’s obvious they appear differently to different people. Some can’t see anything amiss at all, others see them shape-shift into grotesque Reptilian humanoid creatures, some see people with eyes which are totally black (This is what David Icke claims to have seen when he met the former British Prime Minister, Edward Heath), some see Reptilians but only see the eyes change into snake-like eyes. But the most common aspect that people tell me personally is what Ellis’ reports: people with “dead eyes”. Eyes that look anatomically normal, but they lack some etheric quality that makes them “alive”. Science will tell you what eyes are literally; sense organs that have evolved to pick up electromagnetic radiation, and the frequency they can perceive is what we call “light”. But like many other body organs the eyes’ biological function is not their whole essence, which is clear when we hear catchphrases like “window of the soul” or “he died of a broken heart” or “lily-livered” or “she’s got guts, that one!”. I'm also fascinated by the concept of "Eye of Sauron" in Lord of the Rings as this all-seeing, overriding beacon of darkness. It could be that sometimes we achieve the psychic ability to see through the “window of the soul” into the house of the mind… and realize that there’s nobody home.

Along with fear and repulsion, witnesses also report that not-people with dead eyes tend to be very cold and emotionally dispassionate; they also commonly exhibit very antisocial and aggressive behavior. Paradoxically though, at the same time they are often described as people with a bizarre kind of attractiveness or magnetism, an ability to enthrall and enchant others. All this fits into what I felt during my relationship with Centaur. I’ve known one other person in my life with those kinds of eyes and she too exhibited these very same character traits. It’s not my intention here to demonize anyone who has these traits, nor would I advocate prejudging someone like that either, but I have a right to comment frankly on how another person’s behavior affects me.

When Ellis nominates Green College as an “entrance to the underworld” I’m not sure whether he means a physical underworld, in the form of Oxford’s many secret tunnels and catacombs, or an extra-dimensional underworld in the form of a stargate to another lower frequency Lovecraftian meta-hell. I’ll have to ask him when I see him. Is there a connection here between this alleged underworld entrance, Centaur and his bride choosing that location for their wedding reception and my little friend’s attempt to throw himself off the tower gallery? I’ve checked the archives of the local newspapers and there’s no evidence that Green College is a “suicide hot-spot”, but I’ve asked a friend of mine who works there as a butler (always an occupation adept at transmitting and receiving gossip!) to look into the matter privately and let me know if he hears any rumours.


26 comments:

Alex Robinson said...

Ab(soul)utely tremendous article Ben - thanks for sharing your story. I'm beginning to feel that there are are two types of people in the world - the 'living' & the 'walking dead' & with that latter their numbers seem to be increasing by the day!

I feel the time has come to bring into ordinary conversation the things we know but cannot prove - like your story.
I have spent a lifetime 'shut up' verbally because I could not explain the effect my mother had on me - words like energy vampire used to spring to mind - somehow she was all about death & her presence just seemed to suck the life out of me & my family - my father says with conviction that if he had not left her he would be dead now!
So how many of these dead or non people are there out there & how come they so often seem to be in positions of power. So far I have one yardstick with which to tell them, well apart from the 'eyes' & that is whether or not they have a sense of humour - a real one, not cutting remarks of a lot of todays so-called comedians.

Your title was quite amazing as have a book at home which I have been reading called the Eye of the Centaur by Barbara Hand Clow.

So pleased you were able to write this :)

All the best

Alex Robinson said...

Back again :)
Forgot to say I had a look at eyes (amongst other things) in my lastest article if you felt like having a read sometime.

ATB

Devin said...

Ben-what a splendid-tremendous-incredible-thought provoking just amazing article this is! I am definitely going to save this to faves! You really have an ability as a writer to 'take a person there' I am so very sorry for 'Centaurs' involvement (thankfully past) in your life! It took a boatload of courage to write this and I commend you for it-I have often had thoughts along these lines-Centaur reminds me of one of my X's although not as terrifying a way-this person absolutely had to be the center of atttention at every conceivable affair you could imagine-it really irritated the 'f' out of me-but no one could see through it-and this after so many times when he would 'steal someone elses thunder' as they were telling a delightful or funny tale and also he borrowed huge amounts of USDs especially in the field of work we did from co-workers-did not pay any back more than not as far as I know-and was always always forgiven!! In one case the person who loaned the money could not pay their rent-I am just amazed how some people can literally 'get away with murder' and some cant even steal a candy bar without going to jail! Again wonderful article will read it again-great ability as a writer! I also so admire your protective attitude towards your daughter! Best as always from Mesa, Az!

Devin said...

ps-wise woman thankfully told me about this article-I would have seen it eventually-but as I link to so many sites maybe could have missed it! So another great and much appreciated heads up from wise woman!

Ben Emlyn-Jones said...

Hi WW and Dev,

Thanks for your comments. I'm just heading out to go away for a few days. Will be back on Wednesday. I'll read your comments in detail when I come home, if I don't have the chance before.

Love to you both.

Ben x

Ellis Taylor said...

Hi Ben,
Mate, that is a fantastic article; one that I am sure was difficult for you to write but also one that you knew needed to be. Deep, soulful heartfelt and articulate; you’ve moved on up a way mate; maybe one day I’ll catch you up.

Thank you for acknowledging ‘Dogged Days’ and the part it has played in your healing and continuing realisations. I write to right; and one of my books’ primary roles is to shake off the chains that bind the memories of experiences that we didn’t understand. (Phew! I do rattle on.)

Bless you mate,
Ellis

Anadæ Quenyan Effro said...

I'm going to have to re-read this, Ben, as it struck home, having had to grapple with unipolar depression & anxiety disorder in the past my(s)elf as well as one or two predatory psi-vamps, the latter of which the personage of Centaur clearly was in your life. Hey, "That which doesn't kill us only serves to make us stronger!", or some such oft quoted adage.

Keep fighting the Good Fight, Ben. And all the best to you & yours in aught nine & well beyond ~ Anadæ ( :-)}

kerstin said...

Brave article Ben.

Anadæ Quenyan Effro said...

All right, I think I can be articulate now. So, psi-vamps, energy vampires, psychic vampires, thy name is none other than sociopath.

I'm well reminded of the Harvard psychologist, Martha Stout, and her highly acclaimed title, "The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus the Rest of Us", which I bought repeat copies of & passed them out amongst friends who I'd known to have ALSO been thus victimised, in the hopes that her book could help to clarify certain things for us all, if not bring closure.

Although the despot in your life may have been christened 'Centaur' by you, Ben, a truly brutish, violent kind of man/animal hybrid, forget not that there was one whose name was Chiron, who gave his life to end the eternal punishment meted out on the Titan Prometheus by Zeus for bringing "fire" to humankind. This kindly exception to the rule has now been commemorated as the zodiac constellation, Sagittarius.

Also, the underworld wasn't always thought of as a land of perdition for the damned. The Hellenic culture, for one, had conceived of a positively paradisiacal place below ground, the Elysian Fields, and it appears that only after the advent of Christianity that Heaven, not an immortal eXistenZ on Earth, was thought of as the posthumous ideal to achieve.

Excellent writing, though, I must admit. You're fortunate to have broken free this particular Centaur's glamour. I'm only sorry for the misuse that you earlier sustained ~ Anadæ

Dennis/87 said...

The story has been told. I have met priests/catholic with similar peculiar traits. Truly men in black. What courage you have. David I's reptillian humans is a bit sci-fi for my sensibilities. But people of a dark nature are about. Is it that they have not seen the light or is it they cannot receive the light? What positive thing do they bring to the table? Perhaps our awareness of their existance is the lesson to be learned. Dennis from Oregon.

Devin said...

Hi again Ben-I just happened to find this tiny reference in a magazine Feb2007 issue of Fortean Times-sorry it is such a small reference but it reminded me of your thinking of certain places having an effect on people-on page 12 of 'sidelines'small bits from the news they do it says -A seat in the Oast House pub in Southport, Lancashire is being shunned after eight drinkers who sat there died last year-apparently the ref is from the Sun's 11 August 2006 editition-I have heard of the Sun before-do not know what kind of reputation it has-I will keep my eyes out for more things like this-I have seen more stories like this in FT and elsewhere. Best as always!

Ben Emlyn-Jones said...

Hi WW. I'm back home now. Thanks for your comments.

It's odd how we instinctively know something as a child and yet don't quite know how to put it into words. All the things I speak of here I kind of sensed even at the time it was happening. It's a terrible thing for a child to experience and when your parents are involved. It's a betrayal beneath anmything an adult can suffer.

I don't know how many not-people there are walking around. They seem to be quite common among powerful and Elite figures like senior politicians and aristocrats. Among the "Goyim" they don't appeaer to be common. I've known two in my life; hope I never meet any more.

The word "Centaur" is a very appropriate name for him because it weas probably the first cohearent thought I'd had relating to him. It came from the descriptions of the centaurs in the book The Silver Chair by CS Lewis "Not easily made merry or angry, but their anger was as terrible as a tidal wave when it came".

I'll check out that article today.

Ben Emlyn-Jones said...

Thanks, Devin. Glad you enjoyed the article.

Sorry you were involved with such a person. There are many people out there I'd call, as WW does, "energy vampires". They are not the same thing as the not-people", but they are very draining and intimidating nonetheless. They do things like try to wind you up, especially in a social situation and seem to enjoy it when you get angry. It's quite liberating when you realize that you don't need people like that in your life. But it's true! They seem to get away with daylight robbery. This could be because they have developed such controlling tactics that they can sometimes overpower bosses, parents, partners etc.

I don't normally read FT. I used to, but then switched to Cadeuceus and then Nexus. FT is sometimes good, but occasionally it's Skeptically biased. It's become a bit establishment actually. However it's not as bad as Focus! Nevertheless, FT is occasionally graced with real gems. I'll certainly check out that reference.

Ben Emlyn-Jones said...

ML,

Thanks. I've not read your Boudicca article, but I soon will. I've been planning an article about her myself, on a different theme to yours.

Ben Emlyn-Jones said...

Hi Andae,

I'm so sorry you've been effected by these kinds of problems. Depression is a horrible thing. If you believe that psi-vampires are targeting you then there are steps you can take to protect yourself.

I love the title of that book by Martha Stout and may well pick up a copy. Although there's no "Centaur" in my life any more (I'd never permit it!) I do know individuals that I find very intimidating and abrasive. I've evolved strategies for dealing with them. I suppose it's good that I learned such a lesson, as you say "That which doesn't kill".

One method is the one I used with a troll on my forum (see links). I posted a reply that included a link to the video of the song "I'm Still Standing" by Elton John. Good old Elton, he can bash out a tune for any occasion!

Ben Emlyn-Jones said...

Ellis,

Cheers mate. You know I think it was the way you yourself reveal your own life so courageously and openly that inspired me. I think if there is a connection between our stories then it needs to be told. I think by talking frankly about Centaur I've helped exorcize some of my demons.

Thanks for writing such an interesting and revealing book. I'm particularly grateful because it's a book that I found so personally resonant. I wonder how many other things I've forgotten that lie buried in my brain waiting for some unexpected catalyst to dig them up.

Ben Emlyn-Jones said...

Hi Dennis.

Thanks for your comment I'm glad you like what I've written.

I think David's Reptile reference was simply his attempt to define a phenomenon that he didn't really understand at the time. He reported what people literally see: these Reptillian Humanoid spectres. Their apprearance in that form is just one of their manifestations. There's an interesting scene in one of Carlos Castaneda's books "Journey to Ixtlan" in which Don Juan shows him a stick on the ground that turns into a snake. He then makes the point that the object didn't "change" as such, it's just that he made Carlos see it differently. David's lizards are not literally lizards in the same way that a physical one is, it is our minds that make them appear so. I think in his more recent work, David is starting to realize this.

Ellis said...

Nice one Ben...I'm delighted to have been a part of that inspiration.

James said...

Green Templeton College, the newest college in Oxford, has started its Boat Club this past year with good results. It is a college of large enrollment, only graduate students, and with a great deal of recruiting potential.

muebles en fuenlabrada said...

It won't have effect in actual fact, that's what I suppose.

The 100th Monkey said...

Great article Ben,I had a similar experience watching the film Ghost for the first time. I accessed a suppressed memory of a series of incidents with entities pre and peri puberty. It would always happen as I was drifting off to sleep, I would become aware of whispering in the corner of the room. I wold try to ignore t but it would become louder but un-intelligable. I would by this point be wide awake and the noise which would be deafening would now be in my head. The entities would be in the darkest part of the room but I would be able to see them moving. The first time I cried out and my Father came rushing in, the light came on slowly to my eyes and I saw them disapear as the light overtook the dark. But their eyes will haunt me forever. Subsequently I always turned on my own bedside light because my Father believed I was dreaming. But as I have already stated, by the time the noise became unbearable I would be wide awake and terrified. Somewhere along the line I completely suppressed this memory and got on with the business of life. Then when a girlfriend insisted we go and see the film Ghost I was propelled back to those nights of terror when the demons came for Willie Lopez's damned soul. I have sp[oken of this to other people and have yet to meet anyone who has had a simlar experience. I have alsobecome quite adept at knowing who those peope are of which you speak of and have known more than my fair share.
Thanks once again for a great article, all the best.

Guy

The 100th Monkey said...

Great article Ben,I had a similar experience watching the film Ghost for the first time. I accessed a suppressed memory of a series of incidents with entities pre and peri puberty. It would always happen as I was drifting off to sleep, I would become aware of whispering in the corner of the room. I wold try to ignore t but it would become louder but un-intelligable. I would by this point be wide awake and the noise which would be deafening would now be in my head. The entities would be in the darkest part of the room but I would be able to see them moving. The first time I cried out and my Father came rushing in, the light came on slowly to my eyes and I saw them disapear as the light overtook the dark. But their eyes will haunt me forever. Subsequently I always turned on my own bedside light because my Father believed I was dreaming. But as I have already stated, by the time the noise became unbearable I would be wide awake and terrified. Somewhere along the line I completely suppressed this memory and got on with the business of life. Then when a girlfriend insisted we go and see the film Ghost I was propelled back to those nights of terror when the demons came for Willie Lopez's damned soul. I have sp[oken of this to other people and have yet to meet anyone who has had a simlar experience. I have alsobecome quite adept at knowing who those peope are of which you speak of and have known more than my fair share.
Thanks once again for a great article, all the best.

Guy

Ben Emlyn-Jones said...

Thanks, Guy. Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for telling me about your own experiences with these shadow beings. I suspect that "people" like Centaur are connected to this phenomenon in some way. Hope you don't get troubled by these entities again. All the best. Ben.

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