Tuesday 18 November 2008

The HPANWO Guide to being an "I've Been There!" Poser

Learning to be an “I’ve been there!” poser is vital if you’re going to gain status over others and attract their fear, envy, admiration and respect. The unhappy truth is that almost everybody has a virtually equal amount of life experience and hardships of various kinds (DON'T DIVULGE THIS SECRET UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES IF YOU VALUE THE ENTIRE "I'VE BEEN THERE!" WAY OF LIFE, BOTH FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR FELLOW "I'VE BEEN THERE!"-ERS!), so if you’re going to stand out and shine brighter than the herd then this is your challenge! And if you want to rise to the challenge then The HPANWO Guide to being an "I've Been There!" Poser is for you! This following clip from a Monty Python live show is very funny but it also shows an amazingly astute knowledge in the art of “I’ve been there!”:

Selecting your target:
A vital opening strategy that is often overlooked. To be a proficient “I’ve been there!” poser it’s necessary to assess and vet your target like an army general does the enemy lines. You won’t get very far if you open a pose on a wily and retaliatory cool dude. Such types can “I’ve been there!” you into a cocked hat! Your target should be a timid and shy person with a reputation for geniality and not answering back when insulted. Spend at least 4 or 5 hours talking to your target in a non-“I’ve been there!” way. Pretend to be friendly and supportive. Find out about their life, where they’ve lived and the work they’ve done etc. Then devise a profile for yourself that outstrips them. For example: Your research reveals that your target grew up on your hometown’s second-roughest estate. Your own profile should include a life on your hometown’s very roughest estate. You could even pretend to have lived abroad in a country your target knows nothing about; Saudi Arabia is a good bet because few people have been there and it has a reputation for being hard to live in; a very fertile source of “I’ve been there!” material. Now, once you target is well-assessed and off guard, you can move in for your attack! This should build up through the following stages over a minute or more to the full-blown pose.

The Sneer:
The “I’ve been there!” sneer is not very effective unless it is incorporated into the rest of your pose, using the correct rhythm and timing that I will continually stress throughout this guide. The following two photos show the off and on positions for the sneer.

A good “I’ve been there!” poser never simply alternates between the off and on position. He always leaves a pause between the two active positions that match the pelvic and hand movements.

The Pelvic Thrust:


The true “I’ve been there!” pelvic thrust is very important to the poser. Psychological studies commissioned by the IIBTPA (International “I’ve Been There!” Posing Association) shows that this is the stage in the pose where the most intimidation and domination can be gained. Lean right back and spread your legs in a show of virility. This is why the whole “I’ve been there!” theatre of conflict should be on a low comfortable seat, like a couch in your lounge or settee in a pub den. Like the sneer it has on and off positions. However it is difficult to use the "On-Pause-Off" position method, but luckily it is not as essential that the pelvic thrust rhythm matches the sneer, although it does help. But with the hand movements it is absolutely vital.

Hand Movements:


As with the sneer it is essential that the poser leaves a pause between positions. It’s not “On-Off-On-Off”, but “On-Pause-Off-On-Pause-Off”. The arms should be outstretched, symmetrical and perpendicular to the body.

Verbal Attack:
Now you’re ready for the finale of your pose, the verbal attack. While maintaining the previous gestures and physical aspects of the pose say the classic words, but you have to say them properly! A slip-up at this stage could neutralize the entire pose and waste all your hard work up till now. Lift your chin, speak arrogantly and obnoxiously at the ceiling and yell at the top of your voice “Hey, man! I’ve been there!” Always use a tone that is exaggerated and cool, So if you follow up the initial verbal attack with another phrase make sure it’s appropriate and done correctly. Don’t say, for example, “I know what it’s like on the streets!” say: “Hey man! I kno wot iss like on Da Streets, man!” The pronoun “man” is very useful to the “I’ve been there!” poser. Use it all the time, two or three times in a sentence even. You can’t use it too often!

Follow The HPANWO Guide to being an “I’ve Been There!” Poser and you should be able to enjoy unlimited years of self-glorification, status, fitting-in socially and street-credibility, along with the exclusive pleasure of beating, demeaning, humiliating and patronizing other people. Happy Posing!


Leila said...

So the timid, shy, congenial wallflower is victim to the player of 'Ive been there, done it, worn the T shirt' pimp then. That explains why I'd been hanging around them the last seven years. Must be the Seven Year Itch. I know, I've been there.

Alex Robinson said...

LOL Ben that was a hoot!
Did someone set you off or is it something that has been building?? Glad you haven't lost your sense of humour over it!


Ben Emlyn-Jones said...

Hi Ustane. Thanks for your comment. Time to scratch I'd say! Yes, as I've detailed in previous articles, the Conformist culture is one of Social Darwinism and amoral nihilism. This ethos has become worse in recent years thanks to a brainwashing psyop agenda in the media, perticularly soap operas and Reality TV. It drives us apart and demoralizes us, while promoting a complicit lifestyle. Nothing better than a demoralized and divided herd to manipulate!

Ben Emlyn-Jones said...

WW, Thanks, glad you liked it. Yes, you could say I had a boil to lance there! It's been lurking at the back of my mind for many years, but it was seeing that linked Monty Python sketch that inspired me. I feel a lot better now. Bob was right! (See my article "The Grimleys")

Jeffery said...

This can't actually work, I suppose like this.
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